Finding the Message Within the Mess
For so long, I felt so deeply identified with my hot mess-ness, with my struggles, my sensitivity, my despair, and the loneliness that felt like it might swallow me whole.
Feelings of being misunderstood, judged, dismissed, criticized, and rejected consumed an unreasonable amount of my precious energy and my thoughts to the point that I almost believed they were true and defined me.
For a long time, I ate too much, drank too much, spent too much, especially in times when I really didn’t have the money to spend, and always knowing none of those choices would ultimately soothe the ache or ease the bottomless pit of longing for something that felt perpetually out of reach.
Along with those choices came the avalanche of shame, self-loathing, deeper separation and loneliness, and the belief that I was unworthy - undeserving of love, connection, financial stability, and personal fulfillment. Happily ever after would never be available to me…
The truth is, I still sometimes make poor choices. Because…human. I’m not perfect. I’m just not. And I’m ok with that. I understand that perfection isn’t the ultimate end game and that living a life driven by perfectionism is a setup for more misery, and that’s not what I’m here for.
The difference is that now I am resourced enough to notice and honor when the choices I’m making are not aligned with or serving my highest good or my desired quality of life. The quality of life that’s taken years of excavating from the rubble of all that’s come before and brought me to this place of honoring what is true for me now and making choices that support a life fueled by feeling grounded, peaceful, and calm.
It doesn’t really matter that I’m a certified health and nutrition coach… I still stress eat (and drink, and spend) sometimes, just like the next person. I also understand that labels and titles don’t necessarily reflect the real, raw truth of one’s personhood.
How many people can you think of who have earned prestigious titles and positions and appear to have achieved “success” but are, in actuality, silently suffering as they maintain appearances? Caught up in the spin cycle of keeping up and going through the motions to maintain the position, status, and lifestyle (think celebrities...), to uphold the “shoulds” and expectations that societal conditioning has burdened them with? Or worse, those who are still adhering to and imprisoned by the conditioning imposed upon them by their beliefs about their experiences in early childhood. Ouch!!!
There’s no judgment here. I promise! It’s simply part of the cultural evolution we’ve all been swept up in. More, more, more, faster, faster, faster, convenience… At what cost? It’s become far too easy and commonplace to lose sight of our innermost truths and sense of connection with what most lights us up. And to further untangle the truth from the myths we’ve carried as meaning-makers and markers for far too long.
I know enough now… I’ve grown, healed (truth bomb: ongoing/never-ending), and changed enough; I’ve met my shadows and faced my demons… to recognize when I’m reaching for any of these perceived comforts and fingertip-accessible conveniences that they’re not really the answer or antidote to whatever I’m grappling with. They’re not going to satisfy my cravings or nourish me in the ways I truly desire and yearn for.
For so long, I dreamed of a way of life in which I didn’t need to feel rushed, stressed, anxious, or like I had to jump through hoops to satisfy someone else’s standards and ideals of “good enough.” When time clock punches on a piece of lined cardstock didn’t factor into my reality, my self-worth wasn’t measured by a paycheck or my bank balance.
I may have been a pretty decent waitress (for 30+ years). But I knew I wanted more for myself. I knew I wanted to serve in ways that felt more meaningful and more nourishing than indulging people by taking their orders and bringing them food that they didn’t have to worry about preparing or cleaning up. Sure, sometimes restaurant work and the adrenaline rush was fun. Sometimes I enjoyed it. But restaurant culture and the industry as a whole - despite the allure of the perception of glamour I attached to it - was just never meant to be my forever way of life. I ached for a way of serving that didn’t feel so transactional, and instead, felt like I had something meaningful to offer that would truly help people feel better and make a difference in their lives.
Everyone yearns to feel seen, heard, loved, understood, and even sometimes upheld. That’s how I endeavor to show up in service every day: grateful, willing, open, trusting, and receptive. Yes, Please, and Thank You comprise my simple, humble, living prayer. Beyond that, I don't claim to have all the answers. I'm merely here to share my heart and offer my genuine, loving presence and yummy food when and where I can.
During the years I identified as a poor single mama, I remained determined to find a way to do work that was focused on helping struggling mamas like me to overcome adversity, especially those who had it far worse than I did. I wanted to create innovative ways to support women in feeling strong, courageous, empowered, and free.
I had clear visions for what that way of working, of living a heart-led, intentional life of service, would look like. I’d draft outlines and proposals, hoping to find the perfect opportunity to fund my goal of creating a non-profit organization that would provide workforce training and life skills resources to women in transition. Yet those visions continued to feel out of reach, and I found myself glorifying the chase of a complex mission that felt like trying to recreate the wheel. This left me feeling more tired and defeated.
My life today is not glamorous because that’s not what I truly desire. It is not aligned with who I am. My life today is humble, quiet, and sweet—real, like honey.
The way I ease into and move through my days reflects my essence and how I desire to feel. As such, my days unfold slowly, with what I define as Space for Grace. In this way, I am able to serve by living and modeling a way of life that reflects and is aligned with what I value and how I desire to feel.
I make food to nourish people who are sick, convalescing, grieving, or lonely, food to share in life’s celebrations. Just as the food I create is simple, humble, nourishing, delicious, and always infused with love and magic, this is also how I show up in service to my clients, those who reach out to me for the gift of my kind, gentle, loving presence and supportive counsel.
Living my life in this way, showing up in service as needed, allows me to feel good and purposeful, and most importantly, true to myself, authentic and genuine.
Throughout all the years, decades really, that I spent feeling dissatisfied with my lived experience, it was when I let myself get caught up in the sticky web of future tripping and imagining that maybe this was it… maybe this was all I had to look forward to that my spirit wilted, and my heart ached over how I would ever reach “the promised land.” Or when I’d wring my hands together with regret and self-doubt about choices I’d already made that left me questioning if I’d chosen the wrong fork in the road… Both states of being clearly not serving to help me reach the higher state of consciousness or peace of mind I so longed for.
All I know is that a big, loud NOPE was growing in my belly and echoing in my mind. Until finally, I started leaning in and practicing listening to the whispers of my inner wise woman. And this required prioritizing carving out time and space for getting really quiet. And it required surrender. The willingness to let go of believing I had the answers and knew the way. Instead, I learned to ask for guidance in the quiet, still spaces. With arms outstretched, heart reaching for the warmth of the sun, I still ask, “How may I best be of service?”
These days, whenever, wherever I need to, I slow down… I find my breath. Closing my eyes, I presence myself in the NOW. Arriving in presence, finding my breath, hand on heart, hand on belly… breathing. Just this breath, and then the next… and when I feel ready, I just go a little deeper, asking my inner wise one, the one who is always here with me, “What is it that you need in this moment, dear one?” And… I listen.
Stillness Speaks. Our job is to listen.
